


"Friends" or We need to talk

by thequeerkhaleesi



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Happy Ending?, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jealousy, Lack of Communication, Letters, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Spoilers for Hi Honey part 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 04:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8129882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequeerkhaleesi/pseuds/thequeerkhaleesi
Summary: Every time someone calls you my friend, every time I have to call you just my friend it kills me a little bit inside. You are my friend but I hate not being able to say the "boy" part before it.Bitty has to drop the phone call with Jack when Shitty comes barging into the room to take him to Annie's to cheer him up. This is the email sent instead.





	

Dear Jack,

We need to talk. I'm sorry I had to drop our phone call so fast. Shitty barged into my room and wanted to try to "cheer me up". As I'm writing this I'm sitting in our booth at Annie's, Shitty in line to pick up our orders. The line is nearly stretched out the door and the entire store smells of Pumpkin spice and it reminds me of us. It reminds me of when things were both so complicated and uncomplicated at the same time.

In the mean time I figured it would be easiest to type this out now, at least to get things in order. To put it simply I am a mess, we collectively are a mess. You heard the voicemail Jack. It's been hard, so hard honey. I'm struggling to keep myself together even on the basic level. It's not your fault, it's our fault. Neither of us has been communicating properly Jack. The blame is on both of us. I haven't been telling you the whole truth. We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.

I need to say a few things and I need you to listen. I need to get this out now before my thoughts swallow me whole. Every time someone calls you my _friend_ , every time I have to call you **_just_** my friend it kills me a little bit inside. You are my friend but I hate not being able to say the "boy" part before it. Everyone knows something is seriously wrong, I'm not acting myself these days. Ransom and Holster have been giving me looks for weeks now. The campus chaplain and psychologist's phone number has been posted on the fridge. Jack I dropped a pie. I know this might not sound like much but the last time I did that I was still using the step stool in Mama's kitchen. 

The ghost of you haunts me in the Haus. I imagine you everywhere. I miss you Jack. I half expect you to pop your head out of your old room asking me about that "Halo" song. I wake up sometimes and roll over and instinctively reach out towards where you are supposed to be. In such a short time this has become a routine and it seems so mundane but I look forward to it. I miss it. I see all the photos placed around the Haus of you, me and our small family. Happy, laughing, wonderful photos and I feel a pain in my chest. You're so far away Jack and I can almost touch you. Even when we're both in the same room the thought of our future seems hazy. I love you but I wonder what kind of future we might have together. Part of me is missing when you're gone but things need to change.

I can't keep doing this Jack, or at least not the way things are going now. I feel like I'm over reacting but you told me to call if I needed you. I need to you Jack. I need you now, I need you tomorrow and possibly forever if I'm going to be honest. I love you more than anybody else in the world but lord knows I can't do this alone. I know we spoke about coming out about our relationship as a possibility in the distant future but I can't live like this. I'm not asking you to come out to the entire world but the boys need to know. I can't keep hiding this from them. I'm not asking you to come out to the Falcs, but I need some support. I'd never force you to do that, you know that. I know how potentially dangerous it is for you but you also need to realize how hard this is for me as well. I'm spiralling down Jack I need someone to talk to. I can't live without you but I can't stay in the closet like this anymore either. I didn’t leave Georgia behind to go so far back into the closet I’ve become the king of Narnia.

I’m sorry that was harsh. I didn’t mean it like that. I’ve been wrapped up in my own feelings fearing the littlest fight or conversation. The whole thing with Parse scares the living daylights out of me. I’m trying not to be jealous but everywhere I go there’s rumours about what went on between the two of you also those years ago. People speculate and despite what you said about it only being casual I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve head the way he talks about you. I remember that time he came to the Kegster and all I can think about is you and him in your room. Sometimes I think what we have is all just this fantasy I’ve created in my head. You and I never became friends, fell in love, and kissed, any of that really. It’s hard to imagine someone like you loving someone like me when you could have him.  

 I'm suffering, I’m suffocating Jack. I can't talk to my parents, I can't talk to the boys, and I can’t talk to a goddamn counsellor in case they’ll breach confidentiality. I don’t know what to do Jack, about hockey, about life, about us.

I love you Jack.

Just tell me what to do before my whole world falls around me,

Bitty

**Author's Note:**

> So the latest update killed me as I'm sure it did to you too. Had a lot of feelings and this is what came out of it. Come see me at my [Check Please side blog](http://chowderdefensesquad.tumblr.com) to yell with me about my favourite hockey boys. Hopefully everything will turn out fine. As always comments, kudos and suggestions are welcomed either here or on Tumblr.


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